


What did you call me?

by jarp743



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: M/M, Nicknames
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-13 08:54:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15360822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jarp743/pseuds/jarp743
Summary: A few weeks before Halloween, Leah starts a conversation at lunch that takes a refreshingly awkward turn...





	What did you call me?

It takes a lot to piss off Nick, but as I walk towards the lunch table, it looks like Leah has managed to do so.

“Forget it, Leah,” says Nick, shaking his head. “It’s stupid, and I’m not going to do it.”

Leah rolls her eyes. “Don’t be such a baby, Nick. I wasn’t telling you to come up with a nickname for Garrett. I was asking you what nickname you think he’d give himself.”

“What on earth are the two of you talking about?” I ask, putting down my tray and sitting next to Leah.

“Well, apparently it’s ‘stupid’, so don’t worry about it,” says Leah.

Nick and Leah glare at each other for an increasingly uncomfortable amount of time. I offer up my fries as an olive branch, but neither partakes.

“I get that you don’t like him, but Garrett is my friend,” says Nick finally.

“Ugh! For the last time, I wasn’t asking you to talk shit about Garrett,” says Leah. “Fine, I’ll come up with one for myself. From now on, call me ‘Fat Leah’. See? No big friggin’ deal.”

“Leah, that’s terrible! Why would you want anyone to call you that?” I ask.

“Pitch Perfect,” mumbles Nick.

“What?”

“Pitch Perfect – the movie. Rebel Wilson’s character calls herself ‘Fat Amy’ so that other girls don’t call her that behind her back,” says Leah. “I said that I thought it was refreshingly progressive to have a character own her identity like that.”

“So, you want us to call you ‘Fat Leah’ for real?” I ask, feeling my face turn red.

Leah stabs some fries with a fork. “What do you think?”

“See, I told you this whole thing was stupid,” says Nick.

“What’s stupid?” asks Abby, sliding in next to Nick.

I look back and forth between Nick and Leah, before settling on Abby. She looks at me quizzically, and I shrug in response.

“Someone please tell me what’s going on!” says Abby.

“I said we should come up with nicknames for ourselves – mean ones that we think other people would call us behind our backs,” says Leah.

“Oh, like ‘Fat Amy’ in Pitch Perfect,” says Abby.

“Exactly! Anyway, Nick thought I was asking him to talk shit about his precious little Garrett, but he was completely missing the point.”

“Whatever, Leah.”

“’Artificial Abby’,” says Abby, and I nearly spit my burger out at her.

“What did you call yourself?” I say, wiping ketchup from my mouth.

“I said, ‘Artificial Abby’. I bet there are plenty of people who think I’m fake or trying on too many hats without really caring about anything. So, yeah, they can call me ‘Artificial Abby’ for all I care.”

“Wow,” says Leah. “I mean… ”

“I don’t think you’re a phony, Abby,” says Nick quietly.

“Why, thank you Nicholas,” says Abby, resting her head on his shoulder ever so briefly. “I don’t think I am either, but if that’s what some a-hole wants to say about me, go ahead.”

We’re quiet for a minute. I can tell Leah is regretting this whole conversation. My mind is racing, trying to come up with another topic of conversation. There’s got to be something on freaking Creeksecrets I can bring up. I know - Halloween is in a few weeks. I can ask what everyone’s dressing up as.

“’Poser Nick’,” says Nick.

“Jesus Christ! Are we still doing this?” I ask.

“How are you a ‘poser’?” asks Abby.

“I’m not,” says Nick. “But I know some kids think it’s bogus that I play classic rock on the guitar, like I’m not really passionate about it. They think I’m just trying to get… attention.”

“’Attention’?” repeats Abby.

“He meant to say ‘get laid’,” I say.

“Screw you, Spier,” says Nick, throwing a pickle slice at me. 

“Gross! Okay, so can we move on now?” I ask.

“Move on from what?” asks Garrett, slamming his tray down on the table. Bram takes the seat next to him. We make eye contact, and I smile, but Bram quickly looks away.

“Let’s just drop it,” says Leah. I can’t quite tell what’s going through her mind, but I also can’t imagine that she likes the way Nick and Abby are looking at each other. It seems their mutual self-deprecating disclosures have sparked something between them.

Over Leah’s protests, I quickly fill Garrett and Bram in on the conversation.

“Aw, that’s easy! ‘Mega-Douche Garrett’,” says Garrett. “Loud and proud, baby!”

“You’re proud of being a ‘mega-douche’?” asks Nick, stifling a laugh.

“Hell yeah!” says Garrett. “Let people think what they want. Right, Burke?”

I look at Leah, and she’s smiling. I mean, she’s trying really hard not to smile, but she’s kind of hardcore grinning. 

“Maybe just a ‘semi-douche’,” says Leah.

“’Semi-Douche Garrett’. I like it!”

“Of course you do,” says Nick, shaking his head.

“So, what about you two?” asks Abby, pointing from me to Bram.

Bram’s face turns a remarkable shade of red. Oh God, I need to come up with something quick to keep him from passing out or worse. He looks like he’s going to throw up. 

“’Awkward Silence Bram’,” says Bram quietly.

We all turn to look at him. He’s looking at his lap, but I see the corners of Bram’s mouth tug up. Garrett – I mean, ‘Semi-Douche Garrett’ – slaps him on the back.

“That’s the spirit, Brammy!”

I can’t believe the nickname Bram came up with. I mean, yes, he is known for his awkward silences, but to own his reputation like that. I’m impressed. I’m actually a little aroused. The kid has balls.

“That just leaves you, Simon,” says Abby, raising her eyebrows.

“And Leah,” says Nick. “’Fat Leah’ is unacceptable.”

Leah lets out a long raspy breath. “How about ‘Shit-Stirrer Leah’?”

“Perfect!” says Abby, reaching out to grab Leah’s hand before she can pull it away.

Garrett nods his head, and Leah kicks him under the table. “Ow! What the hell, Burke?”

“It’s your turn, Simon,” says Bram, suddenly not so awkwardly silent.

I stuff some fries in my mouth and close my eyes. I wish I was out with the stomach bug that's going around like Anna and Morgan. 

“Nothing, Spier?” asks Nick after several seconds. “We all dug deep. You’ve got to have something.”

I smirk. “Fine. Call me ‘Secretive Simon’.”

“That sucks,” says Leah.

“Okay, ‘Sucky Simon’,” I say.

“Better,” says Nick.

“’Sexy Simon’,” says Abby.

“How is that an insult?” asks Nick.

“What’s the matter, Eisner? Are you jealous of ‘Sexy Simon’?” asks Garrett, pinching Nick’s cheek.

“Get off me!”

“Hey, you almost knocked over my drink!” 

“Oh, that reminds me. Did anyone read Creeksecrets this morning?”

And, just like that, I’m in the clear. No embarrassing tag for me today. Here’s the thing though – I already have a nickname, and it’s one I share with only one other person. And I think I’ll keep it that way.

**Author's Note:**

> It always seemed a little out of character for Simon to come up with those nicknames for Garrett and Bram...


End file.
